New York Yankees to Move to Boston in 2017

new york yankees to move to boston in 2017

A bad year for Yankees fans just got much, much worse.

Just a couple months ago, there seemed to be a chance that the Yankees might make it to the postseason. But as the end of the season draws near, the Yankees just aren’t winning enough games to have any realistic playoffs hopes. Worse yet, they’ve traded away their three best players in Carlos Beltran, Aroldis Chapman, and Andrew Miller in exchange for young, unproven talent.

These moves signal that owners Hal and Hank Steinbrenner and general manager Joe Girardi have given up on the New York Yankee’s 2016 season.

In fact, the Steinbrenners have given up on New York altogether. The Yankees are moving to Boston.

“After much thought and careful consideration, my brother and I have decided to move the team to Boston,” Hal Steinbrenner announced to a shocked crowd of reporters and fans at the Delroy Conference Center near Yankee Stadium.

Fans would have been upset if the team moved anywhere, but they seem to particularly upset that the new home of the team will be Boston. “It’s like a dagger to the heart,” Bronx resident and lifelong Yankees fan John Moglia told The Journal Report. “I mean, of all places, why there?”

Steinbrenner addressed this concern in his press conference. “I know a lot of our fans are going to be angry about moving to a city that the team has had a rivalry with for so long,” he said. “But what’s closer to New York than Boston? The culture is so similar… We’re looking at a few potential locations for the new stadium, and many of them are quite close to Fenway Park. We’re hoping fans of both teams will be able to get along.”

The move is scheduled for 2017, but Steinbrenner cautioned that working around zoning restrictions and construction times may push it back to 2018.

Green Bay Packers considering possible Move to Los Angeles

green-bay-packers-considering-possible-move-to-los-angeles

Despite being one of the most successful and popular teams in the NFL, insider reports indicate that the Green Bay Packers may soon be moving to Los Angeles.

Although the St. Louis Rams recently relocated to L.A., the city voted Monday to accept an additional professional sports team within its city limits in 2017. The only question is which team in particular will be the one that moves? Prior to the Rams moving to Los Angeles in January, the city hadn’t had a team since 1994. Now, after a few seasons of poor performance on the field and in the TV ratings (actual turnout at the games is low as well), the Oakland Raiders and San Diego Chargers are in the mix to move as well.

The Raiders and Chargers have all had trouble getting fans to attend their games. When it comes to in-game attendance for the 2015 NFL season, the Raiders ranked 28th (average crowd of 54,613) and the Chargers ranked 17th (66,772).

Those numbers are what make the recent news that the Packers might move to LA such a shock. The Packers ranked 3rd in attendance last year, averaging a turnout of 78,413, and that’s with a relatively small home stadium that’s always sold out. Green Bay would have even higher attendance if the legendary Lambeau Field had as many seats as, say, AT&T Stadium in Dallas. Additionally, the Green Bay Packers have always been publicly owned by the city of Green Bay, but this may soon change if the Green Bay city council follows through on its current plans to sell the team.

Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was not pleased to hear the news. “It’s very upsetting,” Rodgers told reporters after Wednesday’s practice. “Frankly, I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. The city is my home now, and this team means so much to this city… It’s unbelievable.”

General Manager Ted Thompson would neither confirm nor deny whether the Packers plan to move in the near-future.

Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson Start “Blue Lives Matter” Campaign

Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson start "Blue Lives Matter" Campaign

Racial tensions in America are high.

The highly-publicized killings of unarmed black men by police officers in recent years has inspired countless protests across the country.

At one such protest in Dallas, a lone gunman hid behind a concrete pillar and took aim at law enforcement, killing 5 officers. Just a few days after that attack, in Baton Rouge, a black man walked down the highway with a rifle until police arrived, at which point he killed 3 officers.

What is the cause of all this violence? Some say the Black Lives Matter movement is to blame. Others believe that systemic racism and the unjust treatment of people of color by police and the courts is the root of the problem.

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, two familiar faces in the civil rights movement, came together to announce a surprising stance on this issue. Sharpton and Jackson were the keynote speakers at a black-tie event in DC called “Blue Lives Matter: Protecting Those Who Protect Us”.

“What about black on black crime? All these protesters ignore that the most likely perpetrator of the murder of a black individual is another black individual,” Sharpton told the crowd, which included radio personality Don Imus and former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling. “I mean, just look at the statistics.”

After giving his remarks, Sharpton introduced Jackson to the stage. “Yes, of course there have been a few instances of police brutality over the years,” Jackson said. “But these Black Lives Matter protestors are making out a few bad apples to be some grand conspiracy. Black lives matter, yes, but so do the lives of police officers. Blue lives matter. The good reverend Jackson and I will be traveling across the country to spread this message.”

Sharpton and Jackson are currently scheduled to hold similar events in Atlanta, New Orleans, and Oklahoma City.

Donald Trump changes running mate to Kanye West [Breaking]

Donald Trump Changes Running Mate to Kanye West

In yet another shocking move in what has proved to be an especially unusual campaign, Republican nominee Donald Trump is dumping Indiana governor Mike Pence as his running mate, just days after announcing Pence as his VP pick.

Even more shocking is the man that Trump has tapped to be Pence’s replacement.

“We’re done with Mike [Pence], and we’re going with Kanye [West], instead,” Trump announced in Cleveland, OH Thursday evening.

“Mike is a good guy, but he was for the disastrous war in Iraq, he was for trade deals that cost us so many thousands of jobs, he represents the establishment that has torn apart this country. Terrific guy, but a politician. We don’t have any use for politicians in this campaign, folks. What we need in a running mate is someone who, like myself, is successful in the private sector… Kanye West was born a middle class guy, and now he’s worth over a hundred million dollars. That’s really something. I am absolutely thrilled to announce that Mr. West has accepted my offer to join the ticket as my vice president.”      

This move should improve Trump’s approval rating among African Americans, which at the moment is disastrously low (a June Washington Post/ABC News poll revealed that 88% of African Americans have an unfavorable impression of Trump). It probably doesn’t help, though, that later on in the evening Trump accidentally referred to West as “Jay-Z” on several occasions.

“Yes, this is real, fam,” answered West when questioned about the VP announcement in a radio interview with New York City’s WBLS 107.5. “I’ve conquered rap, I’ve conquered fashion, and now, I’m about to take over the world for real. Me and Trump, we’re going to make America dope again.”

Chris Christie could not immediately be reached for comment.

Apple Sues Apple Orchard for Copyright Infringement

Apple Sues Apple Orchard for Copyright Infringement

Beware, businesses that have the word “apple” in their name. Tech giant Apple Inc. may be coming after you.

Last Friday, news broke that Apple Inc. has filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against Apple Fields Fruit, a mid-sized orchard just outside San Jose, California.

Apple Fields Fruit owner Alex Santos, 30, took to social media to complain about the lawsuit. “This is unbelievable,” he wrote in a post on his company’s Facebook page. “Apple is trying to bully me out of my name. It’s an apple. How can you trademark a piece of fruit? As if they don’t enough money already. My lawyer tells me not to discuss this case in public, but I can tell you one thing: I’m switching to Samsung.”

But that’s just one side of this story. “You see, it’s not just the name,” Gary Perry, longtime lawyer for Apple Inc., explained. “Their logo, which is featured prominently on all their products, you know, on the little sticker you have to peel off the apples, is also very similar. Their logo is the silhouette of an apple with a bite taken out of the side, almost exactly like the one used by Apple. This is a clear case of copycat, especially when you consider this orchard’s proximity to Apple’s San Jose headquarters. They’ve been ripping off a very well-established brand for their own gain for a while now, and it’s about time they give Apple restitution for that advantage and then pick a new, actually original name and logo.”

Ironically, Apple Inc. was sued for trademark infringement way back in 1978 by Apple Corps, a UK-based record company founded by members of The Beatles. Perhaps that experience is what inspired Apple Inc. to make this move and sue Apple Fields Fruit in the first place.

Republicans Introduce Law that would Cost Citizens $50 to Vote

Republicans Introduce Law that would Cost Citizens $50 to Vote

A new bill being pushed by Republicans, just in time for the 2016 Presidential Election, will charge voters a $50 fee to vote in federal elections.

The GOP has a long history of doing all it can to discourage voter turnout, from imposing stricter voter ID requirements to making the window of time people have to vote as small as possible. This new piece of legislation, titled the Comprehensive Anti-fraud (CASH) Act, goes even further.

Florida Senator and Presidential Hopeful Marco Rubio explained why he is sponsoring the bill during a during a campaign stop in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “Voter fraud is an epidemic in this country,” said Rubio. “What the CASH Act is going to do is make sure that the people who elect the leaders of this country are people who deserve to vote. To people who say the fee is too expensive, I say this: If you can’t afford to cough up just fifty dollars, I think you should be worrying less about whom you’re going to vote for and more about what you did to put yourself in such a situation in the first place. These people need to start making an effort instead of complaining.  Actually get a job, for one.”

When a reporter brought up that there have only been a couple thousand confirmed cases of voter fraud over the past 15 years, which is far too few to have any impact on nationwide elections, Rubio ignored the reporter and opted to take a long drink from a nearby bottle of water rather than answer the question.

Predictably, the bill is seeing a lot of pushback from more liberal members of the Senate. “This is clearly just a blatant attempt to drive lower and middle-class voters away from the polls,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “Frankly, it’s a little pathetic. They couldn’t win the presidency in ’08 or ’12 and they know the odds are against them in ’16 too, so they have to resort to these soft of tactics.”

 A vote on the bill is scheduled to take place in January of next year.

Beyoncé and Rihanna to Release Joint Album of Country Covers

Beyoncé and Rihanna to Release Joint Album of Country Covers

Beyoncé and Rihanna have dominated the pop charts for the past decade, each putting out an absurd amount of hits. Now, the two singers plan to branch out of their comfort zones with a joint album that covers a genre they’ve never explored before: country music.

“I’ve done pop,” Rihanna said in an interview with Rolling Stone. “I’ve done dance, R&B… I even did a movie with Battleship. Now, I want to try something different-iff’rent-iff’rent, ey, ey, ey.”

Beyoncé also weighed in on what led to the album: “This is who I am. Which is, who I am at this specific moment, as a person, as an artist. You don’t want to do the same thing over and over again. And Ri’s always been signed to my husband’s label, so we talk sometimes, and we came up with this idea together after one time we were talking about how much we like that ‘Jolene’ song.”

The album, tentatively titled Queen Bee and RiRi’s Deep-Fried Country Jamz, is set to be released this fall and will not feature any original material. Instead, it is to be an album of covers, with sources ranging from Patsy Cline to Dolly Parton to Johnny Cash and more.

Ever industrious, Beyoncé hinted that this album might not be her last in 2015. “We had a lot of fun doing this record,” she said. “But I still want to challenge myself. I think I rely too much on my voice. I want to advance beyond that. So I’ve already started recording some new material for another project, and it’s pretty much all-instrumental, except for a few yips and screams and humming and whistling I threw in. No lyrics. It’s a little more ‘out there’ than anything I’ve done before, and it should be released around Christmas this year.”

President Obama to Move Back to Kenya after Presidency

President Obama to move back to Kenya after presidency

You’ll never guess where Obama’s going next.

With Obama’s tenure as president coming to a close, he’s announced where he plans to spend his retirement – and it’s sure to excite conservatives who have had their suspicions about Obama’s origins all along.

“Michelle and I have been talking this over for quite some time,” Obama explained to a crowd of journalists at the White House Rose Garden. “At first, we figured we’d move back to Chicago after we were done in Washington. Then, the frontrunner was New York City. But now, we’ve finally come to a decision. We’re going to settle back in Kenya, my homeland. It’s where I was born; it’s where I want to be.”

The announcement came as shock to liberal pundits everywhere, who have long been laughing off accusations that Obama is not a natural-born American citizen. “I’m absolutely speechless,” Vice President Joe Biden said about the president’s recent announcement. “Before, I thought all this birther nonsense was a bunch of malarkey. But hey, the man said it himself. So I guess it must be true.”

On the other side of the political spectrum, high-profile members of the birther movement Ted Cruz and Donald Trump were overjoyed to hear the news. “What did I tell you? All this talk about me being from Canada, and look what’s happening now. I told ya’ll,” Cruz said to reporters.

“Again, the Donald knows what he’s talking about,” Trump told reporters during a campaign stop in Concord, New Hampshire. “This is yet another thing that separates me from what I like to call the Oh-Bummer administration. The Donald was actually born in this country. That’s a fact.”

Obama ended his Rose Garden press conference on this final, somewhat sentimental note: “Man, 2016 cannot come soon enough. There’s nothing like home sweet home.”

Donald Trump Threatens to Shave Head to Stop Hair Jokes

Donald Trump Threatens to Shave Head

Donald Trump has apparently had it with the hair jokes.

“I’m sick and I’m tired of it,” Trump told a reporter after a speech in New Hampshire. “They all think it’s so [expletive] funny to make fun of my hair. Maybe I’ll just shave it all off. Yeah, I think I might do that. We’ll see if they find it so funny when I cut off the source of all their material.”

Trumps comments come shortly after a several week barrage of late night jokes directed toward his hair.

  • “Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  • “Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.” – Craig Ferguson
  • “Donald Trump said if President Obama releases his birth certificate, he will release his tax returns. The President said, ‘Well I promise not to run for a second term if you release that thing on your head.’” – Conan O’Brien

Back in 2012, when Trump was also running, political analysts didn’t give him much of a chance to win the nomination. He was seen as a billionaire businessman and reality TV star with a ridiculous haircut, and not much more.

Just a few short years later, Trump has risen from being just a punch line to having a legitimate chance at winning the Republican nomination in 2016. In fact, Trump may have a better shot than anyone to nab the nomination, as he currently leads most polls by a double-digit margin. Trump’s confrontational and combative personality resonates with conservatives, who seem to be turned off by the less passionate, more vanilla candidates like Jeb Bush and Scott Walker.

“This is a perfect example of the liberal media being incredibly biased,” Trump said on Tuesday. “Look at Hillary Clinton. You don’t hear anyone mocking her grotesque mane. Quite frankly, she’s nothing to look at.”

When asked about whether he was actually serious about shaving his hair, Trump replied, “Just wait until next week.”

Take note, comedians. You may soon have to look elsewhere for material… or, at the very least, prepare your ‘bald Trump’ jokes.

President Barack Obama seeks Third Term in Office

President Barack Obama seeks third term in office

Hillary Clinton just can’t win.

Back in 2008, she was the clear frontrunner for the Democratic presidential nomination at the start of the race, but then a charismatic young senator by the name of Barack Obama swept liberals off their feet and won both the nomination and the presidency.

Clinton is the frontrunner once again in 2016, although the more progressive Bernie Sanders has gained a lot of ground with his huge rallies and ever-growing poll numbers.

And now a new challenger is set to enter the fray and make things even more difficult for Hillary. Well, not quite a “new” challenger. Barack Obama has introduced a bill that will allow presidents to hold office for three 4-year terms instead of the standard two terms.

The bill would go into effect on March 1st, 2016, giving Obama plenty of time to throw his hat into the ring and compete with Clinton and Sanders for the nomination.

Republicans, who control both the House and the Senate and 31 out of 50 governorships, and have vehemently opposed Obama on almost every issue during his tenure as president, are expected to help Obama pass his bill. “Yes, I know it seems counterintuitive,” political analyst Jill Bernstein said in a recent appearance on MSNBC’s Morning Joe. “But the fact is that the GOP thinks they have a better shot at taking down Barack than they do Hillary. Hillary may have Benghazi and this email thing, but after eight years as the man in charge Obama carries a lot more baggage.”

Obama has not yet confirmed that he will actually run for president if his bill passes, but Bernstein doesn’t believe there is any other reason why Obama would make this bill such a priority right now. “The timing is far too convenient,” she said. “If this was happening in his first term, or even earlier in his second term, I would think that maybe it was nothing personal. But right now? Right now, there’s no reason to push this unless he himself wants to be president again.”